Heart and Soul

Snakes in Lamb skin
There is nothing worse in life than a snake who plays victim, either to move on with her agenda, or because the person likes to see herself as a wonderful dogooder having the smarts as well as the heart. Then they give you the guilt trip, trying to make you the bad and vicious one, and of course there is the smooth and nice exterior, so everyone thinks they are facing a lamb, except that you, it's been a while that you saw the snake under the costume and when finally you start showing that you know .... beware of snake bites

"There's no way around it some guys just ask to be despised"
I think I really deserve my place in the Hall of Fame for collecting guys that are real good at treating me badly, I give you for example the ex with his hundreds of escorts, the rocker who would whistle when it would be time to fuck and discard me in between to finally flush me by text,the horny colleague who would fuck me right before taking his so called estranged wife on vacations and leaving to deal with an eventual STD, and the nice cool guy who wants to have it all, the so friendly playful relation with benefits while keeping his harem built over the years, and the best with all that is always the way I am being dismissed, by email, text, silence or fucking being put in front of the evidence.
Shit!!! I am so fucking tired of all that hurtful mess, so pissed, I know it's mainly my fault, I choose the wrong guys, and I am far to nice and easygoing (slutty also), but unfortunately it's in my genes, I am a nice gal, I don't have resentment or bitterness in me (and too slutty also), I could also say with more honesty that I can be a huge idiot who puts on her pink glasses far too often and sees stuffs that aren't there, but starting now I am gonna try to be wiser and won't accept the unacceptable anymore.

"Daydreaming is the end of living your life"
It just really occured to me how much time I spend daydreaming in my life, not only in bed before sleeping but also several times during the day. Because of my personnal history, I created that escape from reality at an early age, rewriting my stories (I know everyone does that), getting lost in books, movies and TV shows while time was passing by, and life was being lived by others, occulting reality and doing so being ignorant,helpless and inert towards whatever was happening to me, always hoping and beleiving I would be chosen by good things when the time would be right. About 5 years ago I snapped out of it, having to face brutal reality.Unfortunately I just woke up again, I fell asleep again these past few weeks and went on ut guys doing nothing down the rabbit hole AGAIN. Daydreams are conforting, they stop me from panicking at times, keep me away from depression and fear of the black hole but they also keep me from building a better life, building a future in the real world. It is scary but ... TIME to get on with my life instead of : waiting for Prince charming, for the lottery, for one of my kids to become a zillionaire and take care of me. It is funny that I always looked for that, someone to take care of me in every way, security and the assurance I would never be alone and what happens, I am divorced, far from being money loaded , Kind of a lone wolf with no vision of a conforting future ahead ... Ironic isn't it!

"A NSA Era"
It is so very sad that we live in a No Strings attached era, where everybody fucks everybody in a friendly manner, never involving his or her heart, wanting to enjoy freedom and tons of different experiences, and then when you talk with people it's in the end always the same stories, dating (when it is dating..) so many different ones, anecdotes, moments, but at the end of the road no heart. The place feels like the fucking Antarctic if you ask me. It gives me vertigo or a sense to be at the top of a dune, all alone in the kalahari desert, leaving me feeling lost and very confused with a sadness lonely undertone.

"L'enfer c'est les autres II" Jean-Paul Sartre
Putain, parvenir a gere son temps comme on veut sans se le faire confisquer par les amis bien attentionésest vraiment un combat quotidien. Ce n'est pourtant pas si difficile à comprendre que j'ai besoin de temps pour moi, j'ai des projets, des envies, des besoins, et non désolée mais ils n'incluent personne d'autre. Unde fois que j'ai donné mon temps `mon travail, à mes enfants, a mes différentes corvées et devoirs, il ne m'en reste vraiment pas beaucoup. Ce temps est à moi, pour en faire ce que moi je veux, sans devoir m'en excuser d'aucune manière. Je le mérite et si je ne me permets pas d'être sainement égoiste, il ne me restera rien. À bon entendeur ... !

"L'enfer c'est les autres" Jean-Paul Sartre
It is really a fight to be able to live your own life, to make your own choices, whatever they are. It's like you always have to explain yourself, to justify yourself, even if that only involves one person : You (in that case me) . I you are not envious of other peoples lives, they get angry because they feel you don't validate their lifestyle. If you don't want to follow some good friends advice, he gets vexed and feels entitled to a detailed explaination as to why you want to do what you want. It is fucking pretty incredible, I totally admit that others make different life choices than mine, to me it doesn't mean that they are wrong and that I am right, they just do what s best for them and so do I. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!! I don't care for your judgement and criticisms. That's the way I wanna do it, it's my body, my mind and my only life and I'm gonna lead it the way I see fit.

(More to come ... to be continued)